I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
