Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
