Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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