Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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