If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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