I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
