There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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