I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.