new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
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We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
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I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.