hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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