my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
