Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
