The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
And then he peed in my hair
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