I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
