My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
