And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
