I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
In other news, I just burned my penis
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
