Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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