I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
