i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
