is your mom at the bar?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
