Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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