Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
