Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
