just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
