im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
This baby is an asshole
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
