Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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