Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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