I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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