dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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