bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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