I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
