So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
