I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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