Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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