Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
