a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
