At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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