seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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