How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
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Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Are my feet made of real feet?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
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You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?