I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Your penis caused this!
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
