my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
