I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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