Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
