I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
