don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
