I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
