I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
