If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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