So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
