I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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