Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
