She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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