If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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