Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
