onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
