:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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