I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
