where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We're not piercing ourselves today.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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